Kurt Metzger - The Playdate from Hell - This Is Not Happening

Comedy Central Stand-Up
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A childhood playdate gets weird when Kurt Metzger’s friend suggests they play “police.” (Contains strong language.)
Follow Kurt Metzger on Twitter: @kurtmetzger
About This Is Not Happening:
Now hosted by Roy Wood Jr., This Is Not Happening features long-form storytelling from stand-up comedians, musicians and more. These outrageous stories show why real-life experiences always make the best material.
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Published on


May 24, 2019




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Comments 80
lovewalruss 14 days ago
Not funny.
Dan Aster
Dan Aster 18 days ago
Possibly funny, but he’s a racist and ignorant individual!
Andrew Kh
Andrew Kh 18 days ago
KM meets to be fired - what dumb ass
AngelicLove21 20 days ago
This pathetic piece of sh$t gets paid for being boring? Or did he pay the audience to laugh at his jokes? Looks like they are laughing AT him. Waste.
Edmond Asatryan
Edmond Asatryan 21 day ago
Savage Player
Savage Player Month ago
Yoooooo ain't these sum sus little kids
Savage Player
Savage Player Month ago
As a black man I feeeeel as if he did more than playing with that motorcycle I never been wrong
lilitha swana
lilitha swana 2 months ago
was that the 'Jessie' house?
im19ice3 2 months ago
kid logic is wild
Brian Benton
Brian Benton 2 months ago
Roy, you're a funny guy but the intro videos are awful. Please just cut to the comedy.
Lady Airam
Lady Airam 3 months ago
He kinda looks like Mr Bean
HEX MACHINE 4 months ago
This guy is a fucking joke.
KawaiiNai 4 months ago
So funny! 😆
Ke Corra
Ke Corra 5 months ago
Who is this Stretched out Mr. BEAN with a philly voice?
The Valley Vegan
The Valley Vegan 5 months ago
Stop saying "ok" after every fucking sentence. Jesus...
Smoke em Ifugottem
Smoke em Ifugottem 5 months ago
It's not beast man that would ruin in the slime pit it was moss man
Is it just me, or does this dude look a bit like Rodney Dangerfield with a pinch of Mr. Bean?
mica davis
mica davis 6 months ago
This reminds me of the scene in the junkyard in Stephen King's IT.
Goaty1127 6 months ago
0:59 for everyone that wants to skip the intro
Christopher Sellers
Christopher Sellers 6 months ago
Wasn't from lack of trying 🤣
Haemi Joe
Haemi Joe 6 months ago
Mr beans Brother
Zeno of Caledonia
Zeno of Caledonia 6 months ago
"What's the deal with pitchfork mobs?"
Mike Knight
Mike Knight 7 months ago
I remember all those toys
Digamber Pradhan
Digamber Pradhan 7 months ago
dudes top putting the punchlines of the jokes in the intro man
j 7 months ago
It just makes it all the more funnier that he reminds me so much of the dude from the whitest kids u know. Just the way he acts, sounds, and looks. It's fucking absurd. It's like Kurt Metzger is Sam Brown from an alternate universe.
Jman PT
Jman PT 7 months ago
He's soo high darn
Dylan Contento
Dylan Contento 8 months ago
1:18 anyone else see the ‘Hi’ in the backlights in every one of these?
Michael Stanley
Michael Stanley 9 months ago
Evan Thomas
Evan Thomas 9 months ago
Mexican got boots
Wirehot09 9 months ago
Bro this guy loooks like BOB from bobs burgers
Crumponalog 9 months ago
"Oh yeah, there was this thing where everyone on the block, they all got sisters one year." 😂 I need more explanation, pleeze!
Chelsea Somebody
Chelsea Somebody 2 months ago
Joel Kim Booster has a stand up about this actually! In the 80s international adoption from a lot of asian countries became really popular especially in religious communities.
mike gribanov
mike gribanov 6 months ago
it was a relatively well off suburb so after one family adopted, to keep up the competitive front, neighbors adopted also (I'm guessing mostly girls)
Josh Robinson
Josh Robinson 9 months ago
It's called keeping up with the Joneses.
sean 9 months ago
this guy is a combination of Forrest Gump and Randy Newman
Lucy Hellbroke
Lucy Hellbroke 5 months ago
Goddamnit, RUvid comment section. Now I can't unsee it. And I'm only 3 minutes in. 😂
Black uncle tom I mean Bull for white couples
Criminal, thieving-ass kid. It's terrible.
breyleyjk26 10 months ago
Weird child homosexuality...such a hilarious joke...
Oh NO! I said my Opinion!?!
There is this Asian woman ( 4:40 ) to the right of Kurt wearing White that is just stunning to me. Her smile is perfect and I am dying to know more about her.... Help
MyYoutube 10 months ago
I saw Kurt in Atlanta, he bombed. He seemed ok.. Just didn't really have a great set.
Soror MIMM
Soror MIMM 10 months ago
Child porn is illegal, m'kay. Seriously, I don't know how anyone finds this funny. He's describing a sexually traumatic childhood experience for laughs and although comedy can help to alleviate some of that trauma for some, this was so painful to watch. Geebus. 🤦
YxSG 10 months ago
Jewish kids are always so weird
bushweednever 10 months ago
'tiny Jewish cop' .... I am dying
ThreeHeadedWalrus 10 months ago
I cant laugh at this, one of my close friends was sexually assaulted as a child. Somehow I think no one would find this funny if it was a girl instead of a boy.
Deconverted Man
Deconverted Man 10 months ago
penis, butt or leave.
Daniel Lane
Daniel Lane 10 months ago
My new prayer is....Dear God, if I die please let it be on the don't let this happen intro moments.
dunce funce
dunce funce 10 months ago
Jesus, Kurt, you don't look well. Please don't die for a few decades
D K 11 months ago
Mr Bean?
monkeyRL 11 months ago
Hands down the worst set I've seen in a while...who the fuck is this guy? Some podcast guy? Don't quit ya day job, fella! I was hoping that after all the build-up there just might be some punch, something to make sitting through THAT might result in SOMETHING...ANYTHING...my only praise is that I guess he held the mic well...sorry to be a hater, but damn. I'm more pissed I sat through just hoping it would be worthwhile...
StirCrazy 11 months ago
I totally remember the toys he was talking about... Memories.
Noblemight 11 months ago
Audience reaction at 5:19 just floored me. :D I can't
Erd Tird Mans
Erd Tird Mans 11 months ago
Literally every one of these videos' comments section is complaining about the intro, yet CC keeps using it.
Phil Hunt
Phil Hunt 11 months ago
Someone stole all my muscle men when i was a kid. Had to go back to the beginning so I could rule Kurt Metzger out as a suspect. Then I remembered the kids' name was Joey. I'll get you Joey.
Martin Galindo
Martin Galindo 11 months ago
Wow...this shit was so dark.
Cammdc 1
Cammdc 1 11 months ago
Soooooooo, not gonna mention how this kid learned the whole "search your butt game"... Cause I'm pretty sure kids don't think up THOSE types of games by themselves.. and the Asian step sister?.. yeah that kids dad was probably a pedo cop.. the worst kind cause he probably got away with it... Actually, I guarantee that kids dad was a pedo..
Bicentennial Nagger
Bicentennial Nagger 11 months ago
Metzger's eyebrows are funnier than he is.
Whale’s Willy
Whale’s Willy 11 months ago
Coked up joke thief. Go rip off more material for Amy Schumer you twat
John Erwiss
John Erwiss 11 months ago
tonia Mitchell
tonia Mitchell 11 months ago
This one was disturbing
Casper Christensen
Casper Christensen 11 months ago
Russel Peters crossed with Kumail Nanjiani
last Call
last Call 11 months ago
Poor story teller.
shexdensmore 11 months ago
This was so fucked up. Kinda depressing. But somehow funny
Poppa Boppa
Poppa Boppa 11 months ago
Kurt dyed his hair and eyebrows. Embarrassing
Kanoa Koffee
Kanoa Koffee 11 months ago
Boring not funny don’t waste your time!!!
Bashir Benserir
Whats with the intro
Job Year ago
Love it
GypsySquad Gaming
Always skip the intro😖cringy
Black uncle tom I mean Bull for white couples
Balak Hook butthurt cuz a black dude ended up with a white dude's job
Balak Hook
Balak Hook 11 months ago
Why is half the comments about the damn intro. There's a forward button for a reason. Everyone acts like you can't skip anything on RUvid. How about talk about the comedian and his delivery or talk about high points or low. I'm not the biggest fan of the intro but there's too many comments on how the intro is annoying. Just skip the damn thing it takes two seconds.
Chad Browning
Chad Browning Year ago
Can't believe how many people are bitching about the intro and totally ignoring Kurt's awesome show. I don't like the intros either, I just skip them, enjoy the show and don't complain like a little bitch
phattony32 Year ago
i miss ari hosting.
Cinema Quotes
Cinema Quotes Year ago
Metzger is straight nuts, love it. when you're too crazy for Rogan, that's legit lol
HeyMrSky 4 months ago
Nobody is ever too crazy for Rogan unless you’re too smart. That’s how you know to separate the two. Alex Jones/Matt Braunger are too crazy and dumb, Kurt disappeared from media because he was smart
親指 Year ago
why would you say no to that?
Black Rod
Black Rod Year ago
So....that little Jew cop's kid was almost definitely getting sexually assaulted...right?
digital subliminal messages
C Sorber
C Sorber Year ago
Tried saying"my name's Paul and that shit's between y'all" on someone's crazy crazy ex and that woman demanded to speak to Paul for months lol?
C Sorber
C Sorber Year ago
In lieu of a what-gives-shrug-emoji it was my stylistic choice LOL. You make a good point, mostly it was a really puzzling situation because said ex has on more than one occasion attempted to get someone to tell her "exactly who that Paul fellow was..."
Branddun Casara
I am confused as to why there is a question mark at the end of what is clearly a statement.
Meso Year ago
Kurt Metzger is a pussy and deserves to be thrown 5 points
Meso Year ago
Kurt Metzger is a pussy and deserves to be thrown 5 points
Blakhawk1703 Year ago
This was kinda dark....lol?
InoGino Year ago
One credit I have to give kurt is his uniqueness. A lot of modern comedians blend together. Between his weird appearance and having the balls to tell this story, I thinks he really stands out.
Keith Hall
Keith Hall Year ago
I remember all of these toys!!!!
Real Thing
Real Thing Year ago
Not really my kind of story butt🤗😁I Hadddd...... to to keep listening 🤣😂🤣😂🤣. Good for you, Kurt, motorcycle...🏍️🏍️🛵. The pay-off at the end is hysterical. 😆🤣😉, especially if you are a kid🤨🙄😳🤐🤫😇😎❣️ Thank you for the entertainment 💚💜💛❣️👍✌️👍
Lucy Hellbroke
Lucy Hellbroke 5 months ago
Are you ok?
Edge Lord
Edge Lord Year ago
This bug-eye Frankenstein's monster sure is funny !!😂😂
Accidently on Purpose
I did not laugh once. Wtf is up with this audience??
Alvin Thompson
WOAH! He aged like 15 years in a matter of 2 years! WTF happened?
dunce funce
dunce funce 10 months ago
Hard drugs happened
Immediately skips to @ 1:00 ...
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