Kurt Metzger - The Playdate from Hell - This Is Not Happening

Comedy Central Stand-Up
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A childhood playdate gets weird when Kurt Metzger’s friend suggests they play “police.” (Contains strong language.)
Follow Kurt Metzger on Twitter: @kurtmetzger
About This Is Not Happening:
Now hosted by Roy Wood Jr., This Is Not Happening features long-form storytelling from stand-up comedians, musicians and more. These outrageous stories show why real-life experiences always make the best material.
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Published on


May 24, 2019

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Comments 295
Michael Stanley
Michael Stanley 3 hours ago
Evan Thomas
Evan Thomas 4 days ago
Mexican got boots
wirehot09 8 days ago
Bro this guy loooks like BOB from bobs burgers
Crumponalog 13 days ago
"Oh yeah, there was this thing where everyone on the block, they all got sisters one year." 😂 I need more explanation, pleeze!
Nobienify 15 days ago
this guy is a combination of Forrest Gump and Randy Newman
Sippin' On 'Scaato Drinkin' That 'Scaato
Criminal, thieving-ass kid. It's terrible.
breyleyjk26 25 days ago
Weird child homosexuality...such a hilarious joke...
Oh NO! I said my Opinion!?!
There is this Asian woman (4:40) to the right of Kurt wearing White that is just stunning to me. Her smile is perfect and I am dying to know more about her.... Help
cjakek Month ago
I saw Kurt in Atlanta, he bombed. He seemed ok.. Just didn't really have a great set.
Soror MIMM
Soror MIMM Month ago
Child porn is illegal, m'kay. Seriously, I don't know how anyone finds this funny. He's describing a sexually traumatic childhood experience for laughs and although comedy can help to alleviate some of that trauma for some, this was so painful to watch. Geebus. 🤦
YxSG Month ago
Jewish kids are always so weird
bushweednever Month ago
'tiny Jewish cop' .... I am dying
I cant laugh at this, one of my close friends was sexually assaulted as a child. Somehow I think no one would find this funny if it was a girl instead of a boy.
Deconverted Man
Deconverted Man Month ago
penis, butt or leave.
Daniel Lane
Daniel Lane Month ago
My new prayer is....Dear God, if I die please let it be on the don't let this happen intro moments.
dunce funce
dunce funce Month ago
Jesus, Kurt, you don't look well. Please don't die for a few decades
Dusty Keyes
Dusty Keyes Month ago
Mr Bean?
monkeyRL Month ago
Hands down the worst set I've seen in a while...who the fuck is this guy? Some podcast guy? Don't quit ya day job, fella! I was hoping that after all the build-up there just might be some punch, something to make sitting through THAT might result in SOMETHING...ANYTHING...my only praise is that I guess he held the mic well...sorry to be a hater, but damn. I'm more pissed I sat through just hoping it would be worthwhile...
StirCrazy Month ago
I totally remember the toys he was talking about... Memories.
Noblemight Month ago
Audience reaction at 5:19 just floored me. :D I can't
Erd Tird Mans
Erd Tird Mans Month ago
Literally every one of these videos' comments section is complaining about the intro, yet CC keeps using it.
Phil Hunt
Phil Hunt Month ago
Someone stole all my muscle men when i was a kid. Had to go back to the beginning so I could rule Kurt Metzger out as a suspect. Then I remembered the kids' name was Joey. I'll get you Joey.
Martin Galindo
Martin Galindo 2 months ago
Wow...this shit was so dark.
Cammdc 1
Cammdc 1 2 months ago
Soooooooo, not gonna mention how this kid learned the whole "search your butt game"... Cause I'm pretty sure kids don't think up THOSE types of games by themselves.. and the Asian step sister?.. yeah that kids dad was probably a pedo cop.. the worst kind cause he probably got away with it... Actually, I guarantee that kids dad was a pedo..
Bicentennial Nagger
Bicentennial Nagger 2 months ago
Metzger's eyebrows are funnier than he is.
Whale’s Willy
Whale’s Willy 2 months ago
Coked up joke thief. Go rip off more material for Amy Schumer you twat
John Erwiss
John Erwiss 2 months ago
tonia Mitchell
tonia Mitchell 2 months ago
This one was disturbing
Casper Christensen
Casper Christensen 2 months ago
Russel Peters crossed with Kumail Nanjiani
lake b
lake b 2 months ago
Poor story teller.
shexdensmore 2 months ago
This was so fucked up. Kinda depressing. But somehow funny
Poppa Boppa
Poppa Boppa 2 months ago
Kurt dyed his hair and eyebrows. Embarrassing
Glenn Galligan
Glenn Galligan 2 months ago
Boring not funny don’t waste your time!!!
Bashir Benserir
Bashir Benserir 2 months ago
Whats with the intro
Job 2 months ago
Love it
Gucci Squad Gypsies
Gucci Squad Gypsies 2 months ago
Always skip the intro😖cringy
Sippin' On 'Scaato Drinkin' That 'Scaato
Balak Hook butthurt cuz a black dude ended up with a white dude's job
Balak Hook
Balak Hook 2 months ago
Why is half the comments about the damn intro. There's a forward button for a reason. Everyone acts like you can't skip anything on RUvid. How about talk about the comedian and his delivery or talk about high points or low. I'm not the biggest fan of the intro but there's too many comments on how the intro is annoying. Just skip the damn thing it takes two seconds.
Chad Browning
Chad Browning 2 months ago
Can't believe how many people are bitching about the intro and totally ignoring Kurt's awesome show. I don't like the intros either, I just skip them, enjoy the show and don't complain like a little bitch
phattony32 2 months ago
i miss ari hosting.
Back2React 2 months ago
Metzger is straight nuts, love it. when you're too crazy for Rogan, that's legit lol
親指 2 months ago
why would you say no to that?
Black Rod
Black Rod 2 months ago
So....that little Jew cop's kid was almost definitely getting sexually assaulted...right?
digital subliminal messages
C Sorber
C Sorber 2 months ago
Tried saying"my name's Paul and that shit's between y'all" on someone's crazy crazy ex and that woman demanded to speak to Paul for months lol?
C Sorber
C Sorber 2 months ago
In lieu of a what-gives-shrug-emoji it was my stylistic choice LOL. You make a good point, mostly it was a really puzzling situation because said ex has on more than one occasion attempted to get someone to tell her "exactly who that Paul fellow was..."
Branddun Casara
Branddun Casara 2 months ago
I am confused as to why there is a question mark at the end of what is clearly a statement.
Meso 2 months ago
Kurt Metzger is a pussy and deserves to be thrown 5 points
Meso 2 months ago
Kurt Metzger is a pussy and deserves to be thrown 5 points
Blakhawk1703 2 months ago
This was kinda dark....lol?
InoGino 2 months ago
One credit I have to give kurt is his uniqueness. A lot of modern comedians blend together. Between his weird appearance and having the balls to tell this story, I thinks he really stands out.
Keith Hall
Keith Hall 2 months ago
I remember all of these toys!!!!
Real Thing
Real Thing 2 months ago
Not really my kind of story butt🤗😁I Hadddd...... to to keep listening 🤣😂🤣😂🤣. Good for you, Kurt, motorcycle...🏍️🏍️🛵. The pay-off at the end is hysterical. 😆🤣😉, especially if you are a kid🤨🙄😳🤐🤫😇😎❣️ Thank you for the entertainment 💚💜💛❣️👍✌️👍
Edge Lord
Edge Lord 2 months ago
This bug-eye Frankenstein's monster sure is funny !!😂😂
Accidently on Purpose
I did not laugh once. Wtf is up with this audience??
Alvin Thompson
Alvin Thompson 2 months ago
WOAH! He aged like 15 years in a matter of 2 years! WTF happened?
dunce funce
dunce funce Month ago
Hard drugs happened
LM SORENSON 2 months ago
Immediately skips to @1:00 ...
this guy right here
this guy right here 2 months ago
Completely forgot muscles existed until today.
Bing Bong Productions
His story about Zumo was so much better than whatever this was
Bonita Reina
Bonita Reina 2 months ago
I notice a lot of y’all saying how this guy looks does anyone else think he favors Rowan Atkinson lol
malcolm saxton
malcolm saxton 2 months ago
Been gone after he butt searched the other guy
joe james
joe james 2 months ago
ive never seen someone with a severe coke problem look better physically this deep into addiction.
Orenthal Simpson
Orenthal Simpson 2 months ago
He's hardly the co-host of the race Wars podcast with sherrod small, he's never there
Peter M
Peter M 2 months ago
I'm betting money Josh was low key molested
Starr Davis
Starr Davis 2 months ago
I hope Josh got HELP! LMAO but yeah that's scary!
Magnum Jesus
Magnum Jesus 2 months ago
Kurt Metzger has the eyes of the wizard in “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” part of Fantasia.
Julio00oo 2 months ago
Fuck Metzger
Mr. Nobody
Mr. Nobody 2 months ago
How the fuck am I 3 years older than Kurt but I look 10 years younger? lol
Mr. Nobody
Mr. Nobody 2 months ago
He reminds me of a young looking Rodney Dangerfield.
Mr. Nobody
Mr. Nobody 2 months ago
I see this guy and all I can hear in my mind is "Cuuuuunnnntttt!" lol
Adam Cogsdell
Adam Cogsdell 2 months ago
Ari was so much more daring with the intros...I miss Ari..I love Roy just in a different way
y tho?
y tho? 2 months ago
Same thing happened to me as an alter boy, but the ending was way less funny.
El Tigrero
El Tigrero 2 months ago
this guy is retarded
Miloš 2 months ago
That laugh at 8:44 - love it!
Field Keeling
Field Keeling 2 months ago
If Mr. Bean fucked Pee Wee Herman, this guy is the abortion.
David Garrison
David Garrison 2 months ago
Bring back ari cunts!
Fatelvis2 2 months ago
I want to hear more about the Vietnamese sister
Fatelvis2 2 months ago
is this like f8ck marry kill
NeuroHack 2 months ago
Wow. This guy sucks at telling a story.
Dr Gonzo
Dr Gonzo 2 months ago
Is that Mr. Bean's brother or something?
master Chu
master Chu 2 months ago
This guy isnt funny at all cant hear him and crowd is obviously fake laughing
James Ballsworth
James Ballsworth 2 months ago
Ever since they replaced Ari with this dip shit and his stupid gold suit I am hesitant to click on these anymore. I've gone from watch every single episode, to maybe I'll check this out because I have nothing else to watch right now and that is specifically because of the host. Don't @me
abel romero
abel romero 2 months ago
Dalton Daugherty
Dalton Daugherty 2 months ago
I hate kurt he's annoying plus he's a joke thief
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