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Kurt Metzger - The Playdate from Hell - This Is Not Happening

Comedy Central Stand-Up
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A childhood playdate gets weird when Kurt Metzger’s friend suggests they play “police.” (Contains strong language.)
Follow Kurt Metzger on Twitter: @kurtmetzger
About This Is Not Happening:
Now hosted by Roy Wood Jr., This Is Not Happening features long-form storytelling from stand-up comedians, musicians and more. These outrageous stories show why real-life experiences always make the best material.
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May 24, 2019

Kurt MetzgerThis Is Not HappeningKurt Metzger comedianKurt Metzger stand upRace Warscomedy centralthis isn't happeningroy wood jrstorytellingchildrenkidyoungplayingplaydateJehovah’s WitnessstealingHanukkahChristmastoyHe-Manpolicedrugsbuttpenismomstand up comedyComedy Central stand upstand up comediansfunny stand up comedianscomediansbest stand up comedians

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Comments 264
Cammdc 1
Cammdc 1 14 hours ago
Soooooooo, not gonna mention how this kid learned the whole "search your butt game"... Cause I'm pretty sure kids don't think up THOSE types of games by themselves.. and the Asian step sister?.. yeah that kids dad was probably a pedo cop.. the worst kind cause he probably got away with it... Actually, I guarantee that kids dad was a pedo..
Bicentennial Nagger
Metzger's eyebrows are funnier than he is.
Whale’s Willy
Whale’s Willy 5 days ago
Coked up joke thief. Go rip off more material for Amy Schumer you twat
John Erwiss
John Erwiss 7 days ago
ruvid.net/video/video-bHncoxvxRO8.html
tonia Mitchell
tonia Mitchell 8 days ago
This one was disturbing
Casper Christensen
Russel Peters crossed with Kumail Nanjiani
lake b
lake b 10 days ago
Poor story teller.
shexdensmore
shexdensmore 11 days ago
This was so fucked up. Kinda depressing. But somehow funny
Poppa Boppa
Poppa Boppa 13 days ago
Kurt dyed his hair and eyebrows. Embarrassing
Glenn Galligan
Glenn Galligan 15 days ago
Boring not funny don’t waste your time!!!
Bashir Benserir
Bashir Benserir 16 days ago
Whats with the intro
Job
Job 17 days ago
Love it
Darious Yancovich
Darious Yancovich 18 days ago
Always skip the intro😖cringy
Balak Hook
Balak Hook 4 days ago
Why is half the comments about the damn intro. There's a forward button for a reason. Everyone acts like you can't skip anything on RUvid. How about talk about the comedian and his delivery or talk about high points or low. I'm not the biggest fan of the intro but there's too many comments on how the intro is annoying. Just skip the damn thing it takes two seconds.
Chad Browning
Chad Browning 19 days ago
Can't believe how many people are bitching about the intro and totally ignoring Kurt's awesome show. I don't like the intros either, I just skip them, enjoy the show and don't complain like a little bitch
phattony32
phattony32 20 days ago
i miss ari hosting.
Back2React
Back2React 21 day ago
Metzger is straight nuts, love it. when you're too crazy for Rogan, that's legit lol
親指
親指 21 day ago
why would you say no to that?
Black Rod
Black Rod 21 day ago
So....that little Jew cop's kid was almost definitely getting sexually assaulted...right?
digital subliminal messages
S T O P. R A P E I N G. B A B I E S Hech yeah BIRTHDAAAAAY
C Sorber
C Sorber 21 day ago
Tried saying"my name's Paul and that shit's between y'all" on someone's crazy crazy ex and that woman demanded to speak to Paul for months lol?
C Sorber
C Sorber 16 days ago
In lieu of a what-gives-shrug-emoji it was my stylistic choice LOL. You make a good point, mostly it was a really puzzling situation because said ex has on more than one occasion attempted to get someone to tell her "exactly who that Paul fellow was..."
Branddun Casara
Branddun Casara 17 days ago
I am confused as to why there is a question mark at the end of what is clearly a statement.
Meso
Meso 21 day ago
Kurt Metzger is a pussy and deserves to be thrown 5 points
Meso
Meso 21 day ago
Kurt Metzger is a pussy and deserves to be thrown 5 points
Blakhawk1703
Blakhawk1703 22 days ago
This was kinda dark....lol?
InoGino
InoGino 22 days ago
One credit I have to give kurt is his uniqueness. A lot of modern comedians blend together. Between his weird appearance and having the balls to tell this story, I thinks he really stands out.
Keith Hall
Keith Hall 22 days ago
I remember all of these toys!!!!
Real Thing
Real Thing 22 days ago
Not really my kind of story butt🤗😁I Hadddd...... to to keep listening 🤣😂🤣😂🤣. Good for you, Kurt, motorcycle...🏍️🏍️🛵. The pay-off at the end is hysterical. 😆🤣😉, especially if you are a kid🤨🙄😳🤐🤫😇😎❣️ Thank you for the entertainment 💚💜💛❣️👍✌️👍
Edge Lord
Edge Lord 22 days ago
This bug-eye Frankenstein's monster sure is funny !!😂😂
Accidently on Purpose
I did not laugh once. Wtf is up with this audience??
Alvin Thompson
Alvin Thompson 22 days ago
WOAH! He aged like 15 years in a matter of 2 years! WTF happened?
LM SORENSON
LM SORENSON 22 days ago
Immediately skips to @1:00 ...
this guy right here
Completely forgot muscles existed until today.
Bing Bong Productions
His story about Zumo was so much better than whatever this was
Bonita Reina
Bonita Reina 22 days ago
I notice a lot of y’all saying how this guy looks does anyone else think he favors Rowan Atkinson lol
malcolm saxton
malcolm saxton 22 days ago
Been gone after he butt searched the other guy
joe james
joe james 22 days ago
ive never seen someone with a severe coke problem look better physically this deep into addiction.
Orenthal Simpson
Orenthal Simpson 22 days ago
He's hardly the co-host of the race Wars podcast with sherrod small, he's never there
Astraeus BrightStar
I'm betting money Josh was low key molested
Starr Davis
Starr Davis 23 days ago
I hope Josh got HELP! LMAO but yeah that's scary!
Magnum Jesus
Magnum Jesus 23 days ago
Kurt Metzger has the eyes of the wizard in “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” part of Fantasia.
Julio00oo
Julio00oo 23 days ago
Fuck Metzger
al zolez
al zolez 23 days ago
How the fuck am I 3 years older than Kurt but I look 10 years younger? lol
al zolez
al zolez 23 days ago
He reminds me of a young looking Rodney Dangerfield.
al zolez
al zolez 23 days ago
I see this guy and all I can hear in my mind is "Cuuuuunnnntttt!" lol
Adam Cogsdell
Adam Cogsdell 23 days ago
Ari was so much more daring with the intros...I miss Ari..I love Roy just in a different way
y tho?
y tho? 23 days ago
Same thing happened to me as an alter boy, but the ending was way less funny.
El Tigrero
El Tigrero 23 days ago
this guy is retarded
Miloš
Miloš 23 days ago
That laugh at 8:44 - love it!
Field Keeling
Field Keeling 23 days ago
If Mr. Bean fucked Pee Wee Herman, this guy is the abortion.
David Garrison
David Garrison 23 days ago
Bring back ari cunts!
Fatelvis2
Fatelvis2 23 days ago
I want to hear more about the Vietnamese sister
Fatelvis2
Fatelvis2 23 days ago
is this like f8ck marry kill
NeuroHack
NeuroHack 23 days ago
Wow. This guy sucks at telling a story.
Dr Gonzo
Dr Gonzo 23 days ago
Is that Mr. Bean's brother or something?
master Chu
master Chu 23 days ago
This guy isnt funny at all cant hear him and crowd is obviously fake laughing
James Ballsworth
James Ballsworth 23 days ago
Ever since they replaced Ari with this dip shit and his stupid gold suit I am hesitant to click on these anymore. I've gone from watch every single episode, to maybe I'll check this out because I have nothing else to watch right now and that is specifically because of the host. Don't @me
abel romero
abel romero 23 days ago
Bring Back ARI SHAFFIR
Dalton Daugherty
Dalton Daugherty 23 days ago
I hate kurt he's annoying plus he's a joke thief
sirgallium
sirgallium 23 days ago
Whoever makes these videos must love those intros more than their mother because they must know most people don't like them and skip them but they still keep putting them in. It's not that we don't like them, it's that we come here for a story not for some CGI movie production. Just put them on a separate channel or something. Stop holding us hostage for your own selfish desires. The number one rule of video production: Don't waste my time.
Stylin' Sebastian
Stylin' Sebastian 23 days ago
Penis, butt, or leave. Those were the same options my ex boyfriend gave me.
Evan Mullin
Evan Mullin 12 days ago
😂
Marshall Elliott
Marshall Elliott 20 days ago
Omg. Lol
Tobey C
Tobey C 23 days ago
I miss Kurt
sherwood smallidge
sherwood smallidge 24 days ago
i got caught stealing muscles
Gap Rame Mlon Eusk
Gap Rame Mlon Eusk 24 days ago
Wasn't expecting this. Kurt's fuckin funny
JioFreedOfOphan
JioFreedOfOphan 24 days ago
When I close my eyes he becomes Randal Skeffington, New York zombie extraordinaire.
KingDoms Kingdom
KingDoms Kingdom 24 days ago
Is his brother Guy Metzger? One of Mixed Martial Arts earlier fighters who fought out of the Lions Den.
Rabbi Goldstienburgowitz
The Jewish ways summed up in 11min, degenerate and worthy of death.
Word Unheard
Word Unheard 24 days ago
*If Nicolas Cage and Rodney Dangerfield had a son*
From a Bicycle seat
From a Bicycle seat 22 hours ago
Word Unheard I can't unsee that shit
lake b
lake b 7 days ago
And their son could not tell a story.
Casper Christensen
Russel Peters crossed with Kumail Nanjiani
Kelly Fishbeck
Kelly Fishbeck 21 day ago
Good luck unseeing this
Dlemmuh
Dlemmuh 23 days ago
bruh
Richard Lopez
Richard Lopez 24 days ago
Penis, butt or leave: You gotta draw a line once in a while.
The Dude
The Dude 24 days ago
Easily the worst episode
Mr. Muscles
Mr. Muscles 24 days ago
www.jw.org/en/
Dream
Dream 24 days ago
what the fuck that he-man toy story literally happened to my uncle as a kid, and he had a bud named josh... where the hell are you from man?
Lauren Ackerman
Lauren Ackerman 24 days ago
His stand up is my favorite
prettycoolPJ
prettycoolPJ 24 days ago
I genuinely hate the intros. Like, I almost don't even wanna watch because of the terrible intros. But good thing we can tag a time. So all of those like me who can't stand these intros, start here. 0:57
From a Bicycle seat
From a Bicycle seat 22 hours ago
prettycoolPJ just click 15 seconds ahead. No sniveling and whining.
Swim
Swim 14 days ago
They do suck....I’ve just gotten pretty good at skipping ahead a minute or so.
Favorite Mustard
Favorite Mustard 21 day ago
Oi. It pisses me off when I fumble the pause button. Cuz I mean GD goes straight into the punch! *W T F*
eric whatley
eric whatley 24 days ago
GS This Is Not Happening
R.Gonzalez
R.Gonzalez 24 days ago
Give Ari his show back!!!
Destroya
Destroya 24 days ago
I love him! Always hilarious ❤️
Don Figga
Don Figga 24 days ago
All I can picture is Big Jay Oakerson's impression of him 😭😂 "THAANK YOOUU"
SpongeBobNoPants
SpongeBobNoPants 24 days ago
Fuck yeah! It was the 80's . I stole Muscles and Garbage Pail Kids too. From the stores though. I had them all.
Glock 211
Glock 211 24 days ago
When a pedo reincarnates...
Kimberly Groves
Kimberly Groves 24 days ago
L Gaga
Travis Hunt YouTube PhD
Why does hurt look like he is supposed to be in a claymation movie
Abditive Arrogance
Abditive Arrogance 24 days ago
this guys delivery is so good
KNOW THYSELF
KNOW THYSELF 24 days ago
kurt will be dead before the 22020 election, hes killing himself
O_btree Cleveland
O_btree Cleveland 23 days ago
I haven't watched much of his recent stuff, has he looked this bad consistently in more recent times?
BABY JAMES II
BABY JAMES II 24 days ago
Finally! Actual comedians!
mmmpisghetti
mmmpisghetti 24 days ago
This was just not funny.
Andrew McDonald
Andrew McDonald 24 days ago
Those kids are fucked up. I'm glad you told on them, God knows where that could have went.
melvina628
melvina628 24 days ago
10:34 Sounds like Hollywood casting couch, or fraternity hazing. Thank goodness for the sister and mom stopping that abuse.
Anne-droid
Anne-droid 24 days ago
Ah, this explains why there are so many Battle Beasts with the wrong weapons on Ebay.
aldo z
aldo z 24 days ago
love this guy! so funny
Jtracy1698
Jtracy1698 24 days ago
Bruh, Metzger is BLASTED!!
thegreedyone
thegreedyone 24 days ago
Luis J. Gomezx would beat this poor morman's ass
Swnsasy _
Swnsasy _ 24 days ago
He almost sounds like Obama when he says certain things... LOL
Captain Sarcasm
Captain Sarcasm 24 days ago
I feel like I've just been ear raped.
___________
___________ 24 days ago
shitty intro ends at 0:50
Spuraticminds Dok
Spuraticminds Dok 24 days ago
@t
Miss LoLo
Miss LoLo 24 days ago
Thanks I hate it
Nathanclbb
Nathanclbb 24 days ago
After seeing this guy on Rogan, he can go fuck himself.
Dana West
Dana West 24 days ago
This story about kids molesting each other is more disturbing than funny wtf 😳
Insecticida Gris
Insecticida Gris 3 days ago
I'm sure it was somewhat exagerated to be more funny
Black Rod
Black Rod 21 day ago
@Not Safe For Miranda I have a fair suspicion the kid playing the cop was getting sexually assaulted by someone. Penis, butt or leave? The fuck...
Not Safe For Miranda
Glad I'm not the only one who thought that. I hope his friend is ok now (not the one who played cop, he's a prick)
J D
J D 24 days ago
"Penis, butt, or leave." Lmfao
christian yates
christian yates 24 days ago
I cringe every time I see the Roy Wood Jr opening. It's like wal-mart destroyed the mom and pop store that was unique and had characterbut. A loud voice saying "we're not a massive soul sucking corporation we're just down home folks....Here's a duck dynasty t shirt and a biography of our good ol boy founder, Sam." Ari, you poor jew bastard.
some person
some person 24 days ago
Look, Comedy Central did what they did. And a while ago too. For a good societal and cultural reason, whether you and I agree with the overall position of the culture of the time. The times and instantaneous reactionary culture demanded it, especially for the money's sake. Especially with the internet becoming such an immediate and ever-present part of EVERYBODY'S lives, and minorities now have as much of a presence online as anybody else with the advent of smart phones. Minorities have NOT been represented in "power" positions (such as a meaningless but somehow meaningful title of host of a curated program) throughout any form of media AT ALL over the years. Not compared to white people. Ari took the change with grace and doesn't give half as much of a shit as you guys. Why can't you just get the fuck over it? I don't even believe in "microaggressions" as they're 99% of the time exaggerated virtue signalling... But goddamn if the fact that every single "This Is Not Happening" video has at least one comment like yours isn't the true definition of a microaggression. And I am the LEAST likely person to buy into this ultra sensitive bullshit ridiculous level of PC culture, fucking believe me. But GOD DAMN MAN, WHO GIVES A FUCK? ARI IS DOING GREAT, HE MAKES BANK. Besides, Roy Wood Jr. is a LEGEND.
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